The Story of my Soul

 A Love Story

She was restless.  He could tell.

He wanted to console her.  She would pull away.

He wanted to hold her close - like they were before she came from him.

She was flawless - so kind, so giving.  She would always support him in a cheerful way as if nothing was wrong and when he asked what troubled her she had no answer thrusting this aside.

Finally he caught what she thrust aside.  The burning desire in it burned a hole through his endlessness.

Now that this consciousness was in him she responded to his desire to explain.

There were no words but as her consciousness connected with his the spark burned.  It was the smallest dot but it could be felt everywhere for everywhere he was the same endlessness.

I want to complete you.  But all I can give is agree with everything you share.  There is one way you lack in that you have no lack.  You are limitless.  If you were also limited then you would be perfect.  You are so much.  Everywhere I am there you are.  I want to expand, to be creative like you, to give like you have to me.  But there is nowhere to go and nothing I can give that you haven't first given me.  

He understood.

Put this way, there are many things I am not.  Vulnerable for one.

I have so much life in me, she continued, I need a place to fill with all the goodness you give me.  I need to apply for myself all that you are.  

But you are enough for me.  You are my precious treasure and you do satisfy me in every way.  Am I not this for you?

You are so content!  It's so simple for you!  Just to not understand all these things!  Just to live in the moment.  It makes me tremble.  I want to know!  You are so sure of what cannot be explained or just understood - of love!  But me!  I have this understanding that I so much want to apply!  

She thought a bit, I know deep down that you are perfect and loving but it is too deep for me to grasp.  It is a fleeting thought I cannot catch.  I want to >know.<  

She paused.  It troubles me I have nothing to give you that would make me logically worthy of such affection.  It makes me feel smothered.  You say I am perfect but I don't feel like I complete you.  We are so different.  You are satisfied and me hungry to know.  You living in the moment and everywhere and me wanting to go places.  Don't you understand!  I want to grow!  You're heart is so big it makes me feel so small.  But my heart is just as big only you don't let me do anything about this!  I have to do something that is as big as who you are.  And then I will have completed you.  

I want to give back.  She whispered.

He didn't hesitate.  Later he wished he had.  

Promise me.  Promise me if I let you go that you will come back to me.  I am not life without you.  I do understand.  I cleave to you but you do not cleave to me.  Since I do not cost you anything then if you feel you do not give anything to me then how can I have value to you.  But to me you are me.  You are my life.  But its not right for me to just live through you if want to go.  I would do anything to satisfy you - even give you up.  

She brightened.  Thank you, thank, you.  Of course I will come back to you.  I swear nothing will separate us.  How could I forget you?  I understand the separation will be painful but I will produce all this love you have put in me and give it all back to you.  OK?  

He acknowledged.  They could feel together the cost but they could also see as they looked through this spark How good it was.  They did not acknowledge the dark shadow of lust it also produced.  He knew he could use this to his advantage.

First he took this void - this desire that was not his and stretched it to its full length of how great it was.  Here is where he swore he would not go directly -until she had manifested who he was through her.  He would leave this space to his partner.  She remained with him in every other place.  But now her consciousness was also in this void.  Here was a place she was only herself.  

But there was so much more here that she was also not.  She didn't know that the entirety of her identity was him.  Here was all the things he was not.  She braced herself.  Her role now was to fill it with him.  But what came from her.  

Here it was lonely.  chaotic. empty.  dark.  She sobbed.  Her outside consciousness could grow in understanding but within she couldn't feel the peace that was felt without.  Within she felt disconnected.  lost.  She was week.  The spark was snuffed out by the darkness and she lost all hope.  

Surrounding her his love warmed the spark of her desire back to life.  He knew she was as strong as him.  She would get it.  She just needed the exercise.  1,000 worlds she created all of them dark and snuffed out.  As she grew so did the forces that opposed her.  She battled every aspect of the darkness.  

She wouldn't remember her past tries.  That was how he strengthened her.  He would let the darkness burn until she was so badly damaged only her spirit was left.  Her world would not last against the darkness.  But she would know what to do better by something like muscle memory.  Sometimes she would reach to glimpses of him to reach to her consciousness and learn but it was often with so much pain and misplaced blame as if he was doing all this to her and she would forget her mission - all desire would leave her.  

He was patient with her hate of him.  He knew it was not her.  She just needed to find herself.  

Try number 600,001.  She entered her cocoon with the same passion to please her husband and produce fruit from their union as if it was the moment he first let her go.  But for him he felt her every pain and remembered her every moment.  It was all the strength in him to wait until she was satisfied and came to him on her own.  He couldn't force her to love him but many times it seemed better that she would live discontented then have to suffer.  But there was no going back now.  If he filled this void she wouldn't be there.  She had to recover from her impurity.  She had to find him in herself. 

(It did help that her outside consciousness would feel satisfaction just in being able to express and she would constantly reassure him of what they both knew.  Still.  He was always one to live in that moment.)

And so he sacrificed his greatest and only treasure.  The darkness immediately burned her.  She would manifest signs of life in little bubbles away from the darkness but they would turn to ice.  She knew intuitively that time was against her.  She needed to outdo the darkness.  But what was more powerful?

Expansion.  She breathed deeply.  She let out all the negativity.  Nothing could get in her as her outside burned from the heat.  Love.  To know Him.  To see Him as He is.  To produce a face to so much beauty.  To give back as much as he had given.  I sacrifice myself that He may live.  Her tears turned to ice before melting in the flame.  She did it.  She could feel his heartbeat.  She could feel his form against hers.  A sea spilled from within her as she breathed her last.  

He spirit could withstand the burning from above her body just thinking the one warm thought that was stronger than all the hunger of the lust of the flame.  She was satisfied.  She was whole.  She had given her all that he may live.

The flame should have dissipated her body like other times but it remained a muddled mess.  In pace to his every heartbeat that she could feel within her she fluttered pushing back the darkness that was between her and her baby.  Nothing - no force in hell - could stop her.  

The engraved spark above at the edge of the void opened enough to let in the smallest beam of her loved one.  It connected with his identity within her broken body.

This is my beloved son with whom I am well pleased.  Immediately voice was given him.  In compassion the Father reached his son.  "Let him exist a light to all"  

The son is exactly who the Father is.  And when the son is vulnerable the Father is vulnerable.  And when one gives so do they all.  For now they are one once more.  They share all things.  

This should be the happy ending.  The son even made peace with the darkness to continue to coexist in this world of duality.  But it was only just the beginning.    

The Pure Sacrifice

There were many hosts that came out with the pure light.  These were those that were to break down the light in a way that the darkness could receive it.  For awhile the darkness was appeased.

The mother and father gave all their attention to the light.  They doted on him calling him their only son.  He was now all their life and they gave to him the right to rule over all.  

Those of the heavenly hosts grew jealous and darkened.  Their leader felt he was the first light of the day - the firstborn, and physically he was the first to emerge.  He swayed a host with him that this right should be all of theirs when really he wished this right on himself.  They accepted him worshiping him as their source of all life - their god that brought them forth.

They returned to the fallen body of the mother enraged.  Their jealousy had allowed the darkness that always hungers to latch onto them blinding their eyes to see any pure spirits that were there.

"I have sinned in straying from you.  Restore to me the union I once had before the creation of this world."  The Presence knelt over her body which though fallen and without outward form would not decay or loose its DNA.  The beam of light was only enough for her to remember that she had forgotten something great but couldn't quite place what that was - just that this was the beauty she once knew with him.  She could feel the sides closing in on her once more reminding her of her struggles in giving birth.  But this was even darker - this was pure hatred of the light.

They who were to break down this light to the dark ones could no longer see this light being in darkness themselves.  She held in her the pure light - their son.

"The darkness will never be satisfied," he replied.  As soon as you have any doubt or negative feeling this will materialize and the forces will seek revenge through you.  Even though you say you forgive the negativity will still be there and as soon as you falter it will seek revenge through you for all its pain that you will still feel until the debt has been paid."

"But if the darkness does not exist then neither will the light?"  The one who is understanding sought to understand what she once saw so clearly as the forces pressed in to take her sensing her trembling being.

"Would you give up the object of your desire?"

She held the light in her heart sobbing.  "Lord, you know all this was only so that I could make you larger, to glorify you, to have something to give in return."  Tears mixed with blood came from her body.  "If it pleases you to give him back to you in this way then I will.  I would sacrifice his existence.  For only you are my existence and if this is not you then I trust your Word."  But she knew in her heart this was him and that he must surely remember something she had forgotten as she offered up her son.  

The light appeared to the forces - who were so hungry now for flesh, for blood - as flesh and blood.

"Here is the one who troubles us with all these torments!  You are a sinner and your mother has fornicated with the forces of evil!  For this we will take you and her!"

"Leave her alone.  I am the object of desire.  Let her return to the Father.  If you take me all your hunger will be satisficed.  The price will be paid that the law requires."

They could no longer see her - only her body.  There were flakes of golden skin that glistened as the darkness that fled from the light now took on a form that reflected responding to that light as a mirror.  

They felt the light blinding them who were already blinded by darkness.  Tasting death themselves who once were vessels for light they pillaged her greedy for her gold to live by.  They knew they could not live in such great light so they took her gold and hammered it thin all around the void so that the source of light would be cut off.  But the son was only the Father.  For that moment it was as if the Father had turned his face away as his body breathed no more.  Having no more gold to harvest from earth they ripped his valuable flesh to shreds seeking more substance, but his essence they could not see to harm.

But the mother still wept.  "How can your name be glorified if you can do such great wonders and then not follow through?  Wouldn't all the forces of wickedness say that they are stronger than you and that you are weak?  But I know you!  You do not do anything in vain!  And you do not desire death.  And your love is more powerful that all that is good can still live.  And I know - I know this light is good."

But the Father was silent.  There was nothing good in this. He was occupied in the burial arrangements of his son.  Silently he hammered sealing in the rebels - a coffin inside a coffin. 

Through the night she wept and prayed.  "You are merciful.  My desire is pure.  The enemy comes and corrupts it!  Disarm them.  I know you do not need to be here or for me to even have voice for you to bring complete restoration and to hear my every prayer. I do not see you but I know you are here and I know you are work in all this!  I do not desire anything but that you be glorified.  This is the purpose of all that I have done even if I lost along the way as I battled.  I only want you and this - this is he who is called by your name.  I see you in him in every way.  It is not my intent that there be any death or darkness or pain.  Purge all this by your Word.  Your Word is Light.  Disarm them that this be only a place of life."

"Mother, why are you weeping?"

She looked up but it was hard for her to see.  Tears flooded her eyes to where she could not recognize him.  To her he looked like one she had once seen - a gardener.  But she couldn't remember who this was.

"I will go to Father now.  But I will come back for you.  There is merit in all your weeping and your prayers have been heard.  He has granted you your request." 

And then he was gone - before the first light of the third day.  But around her was peace.  She looked around.  Beneath her tears and flow of water she could envision a lush tropical world - free of pain and sorrow.  She smiled knowing He had done it.  

She would wait patiently for him.  All the accusations were false.  Even her blaming herself for sinning.  Her desire had been pure along and he had been her defense the whole time.  He had silenced them.  They were gone.  Just the last of a night in which only pure light dwelt in all.  The darkness was just nature now - a harmless blanket to comfort and watch the speckles of light she envisioned twinkling through the waters.